he confuses me

I find myself doing a lot of people watching lately. I mean a lot of people watching. I am in a new neighborhood and community so I am interested in what’s going on around me. But the more people I watch the more I am looking at myself.

You see, I have been a little introspective and neurotic lately. Just ask my best friend. She’ll tell you.

I meet people everywhere I go. Just starting random conversations with people at check out lines, church, restaurants and even fitting rooms. The more and more people I meet it makes me wonder about their lives. I want to know what’s going on in their lives. Are they happy or sad. Are they having a good day or a bad day. What are they struggling with that they don’t share with anyone because it’s too scary or hurts too much.

Then I wonder if the people I meet wonder that about me. Do they ask themselves the same questions?

If they did I would tell them that I don’t have it all figured out. Just as soon as I get a piece of the puzzle to fit, something else goes crazy and the whole puzzle is ruined. If they were to ask me why I laugh so much, I would tell them that I have to find humor in something because I get scared sometimes and laughing makes me believe it’s going to ok. I guess that some would call that hope.

If someone were to ask me if I was happy or sad I would say both. I feel all my emotions because I can’t live in denial of how things make me feel. But I would also tell them that I don’t share these emotions with a lot of people because I am very aware of how humanity treats each other. It’s a dark world out there full of people who are as crazy if not crazier than me.

I would tell them that I love art museums and roller coasters. I would tell them that I love watching, listening, and writing poetry but I am not so sure how much I enjoy reading it all the time. I enjoy reading poetry on occasion but I would much rather watch someone poor it out of there on stage. I would rather see someone set a room on fire with their words and their hearts. I would tell them that I am not that complicated of a person but that I am so confusing to understand. I would tell them I am confident on the outside but sometimes cringe on the inside. I would tell them that I wonder about this Jesus thing sometimes.

He confuses me. He knows my weakness and my sins. He knows what I keep hidden from the world and myself. He sees my worst and my craziness. He knows all my irrational behaviors and thoughts. He might even wonder why I am not taking meds anymore. Ok, so he probably doesn’t really wonder about the meds, but I sometimes wonder. He sees my human depravity and watches me skulk about. Pride. He knows about my pride.

With all of this, he still loves me. How is this possible? Yeah, this Jesus thing is so confusing. I want to measure up, I try and measure up but I fail every damn time. I have failed so much I have lost almost all hope in myself. As the days go by, and I lose more faith in myself I am beginning to learn that Jesus is going to have be who he says is or he’s a fake. If he’s a fake then I am screwed. But, I bet it all on that he is who he says is. He has to be. He just has to be.

If I have one iota of faith left in this broken heart, it’s that Jesus is who he says is. This all I got these days. I just have to let him be Jesus and quit trying to figure it out. Just let Jesus be the saviour he wants to be.